Yet again, I feel challenged by one of my pastor's sermons. I don't want to go into a whole lot of detail, because honestly, detail isn't what I remember here. But the underlying message was to stop waiting for a convenient time to serve God, and to start today. That's what I feel challenged to do.
One thing I've always struggled with is spending time daily with God in the Word and in prayer. There are always a million (that's 10^6) reasons not to do something, and this, unfortunately, does not miraculously exclude spending time with God. It's sort of funny, because I am constantly saying I want my relationship with God to grow closer, but have done little to make it happen on my end. I aim to change that.
I'm not sure if I'm going to try to start reading the Bible in the morning, which I think is pretty lofty, given my track record there, or in the evening, when I feel like I go to sleep and forget what I read. Maybe I'll try to work sometime during my day to cut away and spend with God. Either way, I'm not going to put it off any longer. I'm going to spend more time with God every day.
Keep in mind, this is not a "New Year's Resolution." I despise those, because we as a society have arbitrarily picked a day to decide to change our lives. There's no more "meaning" in changing your life in January than there is in September, save what meaning we may assign there. I'm not going to try to "do this for 2009," because I want it to be something more than that. And, needless to say, I'll probably fail, especially early on, and I don't want the though of a failed resolution being an encouragement for giving up altogether.
Take it or leave it, but that's what's on my mind right now.
"Pardon me while I burst into flames"
04 January 2009
22 December 2008
Freedom! Or, What Am I Doing Here?
It's done! This semester is finally over! And what's better, I didn't fail anything! A year ago, the preceding wouldn't be a sentence worth finishing with an exclamation, but that's where I am now. To be honest, I got mediocre grades, but I passed everything, so I'm happy for now. I'm still going to have to kick it up a couple of notches in order to maintain 1) my scholarship, and 2) my sense of dignity. But from here on out, I have no need (nor desire) to take more than 13 hours (give or take) ever again! It won't get me out faster, and it's only going to add pain to my life, so I'm not going to do it. Here's hoping for a good finish (by finish, I clearly mean 2.5 years).
I haven't rested up from the semester quite yet, but I still have approximately four weeks to do just that, so I'm not feeling too bad just yet.
I heard a really good sermon yesterday. I haven't felt that in a while, but yesterday was really good. Pastor Chuck likes n-point sermons, and he usually makes those points alliterative. Some may say that it's a pre-canned sermon-in-a-book type thing, but I don't think so. For one, he's so personal and down-to-earth, and his sermons don't feel forced. For two, I really think he structures his sermons that way so they stick in the brain easier. I could be wrong, but until proven otherwise, I'm going to believe that his sermons are sincere, if not a little bit catchy.
Anyway, like I said, I really liked what I heard yesterday. Yesterday fit the formula with n = 3, and the letter with which to alliterate (word?) was "A":
1)Affirm that nothing is more important than seeking Christ
2)Acknowledge God is the giver of all good things
3)Act on what we know to be true
Ok, so there was a lot in between those three points, these were the focal points of the sermon. I think I especially needed to hear (1) (again!), because lately, I've definitely been seeking stuff that isn't Jesus. I have girls on the brain, as well as school and work. Well, that's basically all of my life at the moment, but the point is that I haven't been looking for Jesus in my everyday life. Again. There's not much else to say here, I just wanted to point that out.
The rest of the message was also very applicable to where I am right now, but that first point is just what stuck with me the most. I also really appreciated how he didn't end the service by praying that God give us the ability to recognize these things in our lives, but rather made it something we each had to determine to think on our own. While that's harder than praying that God make it available for me, I know that's how life goes sometimes, so I liked that he didn't try to take the easy way with that one.
Needless to say, I'm a bit jaded in my life right now, so I know that just by typing, "I Marcus, will determine my self to (1), (2) and (3) for the year of 2009," that I won't actually be doing what I need to be doing. However, for the sake of getting it out of my chest, I am going to do my best over the next year to seek after Christ more. Here's hoping I remember this tomorrow...
"Where there is pain, let there be grace. Where there is suffering, bring serenity."
I haven't rested up from the semester quite yet, but I still have approximately four weeks to do just that, so I'm not feeling too bad just yet.
I heard a really good sermon yesterday. I haven't felt that in a while, but yesterday was really good. Pastor Chuck likes n-point sermons, and he usually makes those points alliterative. Some may say that it's a pre-canned sermon-in-a-book type thing, but I don't think so. For one, he's so personal and down-to-earth, and his sermons don't feel forced. For two, I really think he structures his sermons that way so they stick in the brain easier. I could be wrong, but until proven otherwise, I'm going to believe that his sermons are sincere, if not a little bit catchy.
Anyway, like I said, I really liked what I heard yesterday. Yesterday fit the formula with n = 3, and the letter with which to alliterate (word?) was "A":
1)Affirm that nothing is more important than seeking Christ
2)Acknowledge God is the giver of all good things
3)Act on what we know to be true
Ok, so there was a lot in between those three points, these were the focal points of the sermon. I think I especially needed to hear (1) (again!), because lately, I've definitely been seeking stuff that isn't Jesus. I have girls on the brain, as well as school and work. Well, that's basically all of my life at the moment, but the point is that I haven't been looking for Jesus in my everyday life. Again. There's not much else to say here, I just wanted to point that out.
The rest of the message was also very applicable to where I am right now, but that first point is just what stuck with me the most. I also really appreciated how he didn't end the service by praying that God give us the ability to recognize these things in our lives, but rather made it something we each had to determine to think on our own. While that's harder than praying that God make it available for me, I know that's how life goes sometimes, so I liked that he didn't try to take the easy way with that one.
Needless to say, I'm a bit jaded in my life right now, so I know that just by typing, "I Marcus, will determine my self to (1), (2) and (3) for the year of 2009," that I won't actually be doing what I need to be doing. However, for the sake of getting it out of my chest, I am going to do my best over the next year to seek after Christ more. Here's hoping I remember this tomorrow...
"Where there is pain, let there be grace. Where there is suffering, bring serenity."
06 December 2008
Couldn't Stand The Weather
Sorry I haven't updated in a while. A lot has happened since my last post, but in a way, a lot hasn't happened, as well.
I think since I last posted about it, I got a confirmed "I'll never call you again" from you-know-who. Which means that yeah, I did call her. But here's the deal: My good friend Lisa was telling me that sometimes you have to run, like when Potiphar's wife was trying to seduce Joseph. He couldn't have sat and talked it out with her, because his convictions were at stake. But sometimes, you have to face stuff head-on, and kill it where it stands. Now, let me be frank. Last year, my convictions were dearly at stake. I knew I had to run, even if it meant leaving my favorite jacket in the clutches of a seductress, because I knew I wouldn't have the strength to hold to my beliefs, those beliefs being that having Amanda in my life was hurting me. But a year has gone by, and I'm a lot stronger now. She can't tempt me the way she could've a year ago. Now, this isn't to say that she's some evil seductress. In all honesty, we were both seducing each other constantly. So, I called her, and laid out why I stopped calling. I then told her why I thought it would be best if we didn't speak again. She didn't seem happy, but she agreed.
Anyway, the semester is good, but busy. To Adam & Tina, I love you both, and I'm glad I made your wedding, but know that yours is the only one I think I'll ever leave mid-semester for, because I just got too far behind, and in some [small] ways, I'm still playing catch up. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I'm so freaking glad I got to be there with you on your big day, but I can't afford to do that probably ever again (Read: the next 3 years or so while I'm in college). Anyway, at least I don't feel like I'm failing anything. I have a couple of C's, which is borderline in my degree (believe it or not!), but they're high C's, and I may be able to change at least one of them to a B.
Like I said, not much else is going on right now, so I'll leave you with this: I think my love for Stevie Ray Vaughan has been reignited. He's my favorite guitarist. That is all.
"That's how it happens, livin' life by the drop."
I think since I last posted about it, I got a confirmed "I'll never call you again" from you-know-who. Which means that yeah, I did call her. But here's the deal: My good friend Lisa was telling me that sometimes you have to run, like when Potiphar's wife was trying to seduce Joseph. He couldn't have sat and talked it out with her, because his convictions were at stake. But sometimes, you have to face stuff head-on, and kill it where it stands. Now, let me be frank. Last year, my convictions were dearly at stake. I knew I had to run, even if it meant leaving my favorite jacket in the clutches of a seductress, because I knew I wouldn't have the strength to hold to my beliefs, those beliefs being that having Amanda in my life was hurting me. But a year has gone by, and I'm a lot stronger now. She can't tempt me the way she could've a year ago. Now, this isn't to say that she's some evil seductress. In all honesty, we were both seducing each other constantly. So, I called her, and laid out why I stopped calling. I then told her why I thought it would be best if we didn't speak again. She didn't seem happy, but she agreed.
Anyway, the semester is good, but busy. To Adam & Tina, I love you both, and I'm glad I made your wedding, but know that yours is the only one I think I'll ever leave mid-semester for, because I just got too far behind, and in some [small] ways, I'm still playing catch up. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I'm so freaking glad I got to be there with you on your big day, but I can't afford to do that probably ever again (Read: the next 3 years or so while I'm in college). Anyway, at least I don't feel like I'm failing anything. I have a couple of C's, which is borderline in my degree (believe it or not!), but they're high C's, and I may be able to change at least one of them to a B.
Like I said, not much else is going on right now, so I'll leave you with this: I think my love for Stevie Ray Vaughan has been reignited. He's my favorite guitarist. That is all.
"That's how it happens, livin' life by the drop."
28 November 2008
Sick And Tired
Right now, I'm sick and tired of being demonized because my faith doesn't look like somebody else's. I've spent too many months feeling awkward because one of my roommates and my parents don't necessarily think that what I'm doing with myself is something a Christian would do. Not awkward because I felt they were right and I wanted to change to meet their standards, but awkward because I didn't want them to think I was this evil person.
But I guess I'm just going to be perceived as evil by some. My choices to drink, have the occasional cigar, and whatever else I do that pisses people off is going to do just that. I'm not going to try and make them happy, or even hope that they eventually change their minds and don't see me as "in sin" or "evil." If I'm in sin, I want to know, but otherwise, it's nobody's business buy mine and God's.
I don't want to have a "to hell with it all" attitude, but I'll go crazy if I stress over what my parents/roommate will probably always think. So, I'm not going to bother even thinking I don't want them to feel that way. Let them fast for me. Let them quietly feel I'm in sin. My salvation is between me and God, and I'm confident that while our relationship isn't perfect, it's our own, it's unique, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
People in NM, don't take this the wrong way, but I really right now wish I were in TN, surrounded by people who not only don't judge me for this, but actually accept me. I know I have friends here that do, and I can't explain why I'm feeling this way, but I really want to be affirmed by my brethren out east right now.
"What if I say I'm not like the others?"
But I guess I'm just going to be perceived as evil by some. My choices to drink, have the occasional cigar, and whatever else I do that pisses people off is going to do just that. I'm not going to try and make them happy, or even hope that they eventually change their minds and don't see me as "in sin" or "evil." If I'm in sin, I want to know, but otherwise, it's nobody's business buy mine and God's.
I don't want to have a "to hell with it all" attitude, but I'll go crazy if I stress over what my parents/roommate will probably always think. So, I'm not going to bother even thinking I don't want them to feel that way. Let them fast for me. Let them quietly feel I'm in sin. My salvation is between me and God, and I'm confident that while our relationship isn't perfect, it's our own, it's unique, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
People in NM, don't take this the wrong way, but I really right now wish I were in TN, surrounded by people who not only don't judge me for this, but actually accept me. I know I have friends here that do, and I can't explain why I'm feeling this way, but I really want to be affirmed by my brethren out east right now.
"What if I say I'm not like the others?"
18 November 2008
Quick Music Review: Who Are You
Who Are You by The Who is definitely one of their best albums. I would recommend it to anyone who is looking for something different. It has a little of everything: Rock, Blues, a hint of synthesizers. I torrented the album, but I will be paying money for this one.Ok, now you can get back to your lives.
"Who are you? I really wanna know"
17 November 2008
Ravenous
I'm sick of being complacent. I haven't been to church in Socorro for a while (though, I go when I'm in ABQ), because I just haven't felt like I've been getting what I need out of them. That's not to say that the one in Albuquerque is filling me completely, but I think it's a step in the direction I'm looking.
To be honest, I don't really know what I want from a church. All I really do know right now is that I want more of God. I want to see His face more, to look where His head turns, and to see what it is that makes His heart beat faster. I want to ponder what He ponders, and weep about what He weeps about.
I just want to feel closer to Him. Not in a superficial way, that will be gone as soon as it comes, but in a lasting, every day sort of way. I don't know what this looks like, or how I'm going to go about attaining it. I don't want something that I can necessarily get at church, because if I can get it in its completeness there, it's likely it won't last very long once I leave the building. What's sufficient for a church building often isn't when real life becomes the setting for my story.
Honestly, I don't know what possessed me to write this. This semester has seen its ups and downs: I've seen someone come to Christ, and I've seen someone decide they don't believe in God. I've loved (this doesn't necessarily refer to people) and hated (this does and doesn't). I've been a terrible Christian, and I've known without a shadow of a doubt that I was exactly where God wanted me doing what He wanted me to do.
After all of that, I just want more. I want something deeper. We've been studying John in large group, and though I was planning on moving toward something that may be a little deeper, but in actuality probably not, now I think I want to study Hebrews. I want my chapter to read something that is less narrative, and more one guy's completely dumbstruck response to who Jesus is. And I want to encounter Him and respond. And I want people at NMT to do the same.
This was jumbled, and for that, I'm sorry you didn't have something more linear to read. I won't apologize for the Christ-centric nature of it, but I will say I understand if that's not what you were looking to read. Either way, thank you for reading this far.
"You alone are what my soul needs, You know the thirst is taking over"
To be honest, I don't really know what I want from a church. All I really do know right now is that I want more of God. I want to see His face more, to look where His head turns, and to see what it is that makes His heart beat faster. I want to ponder what He ponders, and weep about what He weeps about.
I just want to feel closer to Him. Not in a superficial way, that will be gone as soon as it comes, but in a lasting, every day sort of way. I don't know what this looks like, or how I'm going to go about attaining it. I don't want something that I can necessarily get at church, because if I can get it in its completeness there, it's likely it won't last very long once I leave the building. What's sufficient for a church building often isn't when real life becomes the setting for my story.
Honestly, I don't know what possessed me to write this. This semester has seen its ups and downs: I've seen someone come to Christ, and I've seen someone decide they don't believe in God. I've loved (this doesn't necessarily refer to people) and hated (this does and doesn't). I've been a terrible Christian, and I've known without a shadow of a doubt that I was exactly where God wanted me doing what He wanted me to do.
After all of that, I just want more. I want something deeper. We've been studying John in large group, and though I was planning on moving toward something that may be a little deeper, but in actuality probably not, now I think I want to study Hebrews. I want my chapter to read something that is less narrative, and more one guy's completely dumbstruck response to who Jesus is. And I want to encounter Him and respond. And I want people at NMT to do the same.
This was jumbled, and for that, I'm sorry you didn't have something more linear to read. I won't apologize for the Christ-centric nature of it, but I will say I understand if that's not what you were looking to read. Either way, thank you for reading this far.
"You alone are what my soul needs, You know the thirst is taking over"
12 November 2008
Dreams...
So, I haven't updated in a while, and there's a bunch of stuff floating around in my head. Not sure if it'll all make it, and I'm not promising that it's going to be anything like coherent, but I just need to get some stuff out there.
I dreamed I found my passport. I dreamed it was in a pocket of a jacket I was wearing, like it just appeared there as I was wearing the jacket. Weird. And it was one of those dreams that I believed when I woke up. But alas, it was not to be. Not yet, at least. The search continues...
I had a sudden memory of something I didn't even know I'd forgotten recently. I remembered how Amanda used to freak out if I left her alone in her apartment. How she'd have to have a movie playing, or something like that before she'd go to sleep, and even then it was usually after multiple hours of coaxing her before she'd even consider it. Of course, now I'm seeing through the filter of "How real was that? It could've been her just keeping me there longer." Just about everything she ever did had a hook in it, so I'll believe it was just her way of making me do what she wanted. But you know, I may never know for sure, and I'm honestly not even sure if I care at all anymore.
I was up until 4 last night coding with MATLAB. But here's the kicker: My program worked!! Even though I loathe coding, there's not much that compares with the feeling with a working program. Now I just have two to go!
Oh, and I just have to put a short book review in! I'm currently engulfed in Stephen King's The Waste Lands, which is book 3 of his Dark Tower series. I've never really liked King, but this story is absolutely great! You should start it if you've never read it!
"I don't believe that love can rot away. So first aim for the heart, then aim for the head."
I dreamed I found my passport. I dreamed it was in a pocket of a jacket I was wearing, like it just appeared there as I was wearing the jacket. Weird. And it was one of those dreams that I believed when I woke up. But alas, it was not to be. Not yet, at least. The search continues...
I had a sudden memory of something I didn't even know I'd forgotten recently. I remembered how Amanda used to freak out if I left her alone in her apartment. How she'd have to have a movie playing, or something like that before she'd go to sleep, and even then it was usually after multiple hours of coaxing her before she'd even consider it. Of course, now I'm seeing through the filter of "How real was that? It could've been her just keeping me there longer." Just about everything she ever did had a hook in it, so I'll believe it was just her way of making me do what she wanted. But you know, I may never know for sure, and I'm honestly not even sure if I care at all anymore.
I was up until 4 last night coding with MATLAB. But here's the kicker: My program worked!! Even though I loathe coding, there's not much that compares with the feeling with a working program. Now I just have two to go!
Oh, and I just have to put a short book review in! I'm currently engulfed in Stephen King's The Waste Lands, which is book 3 of his Dark Tower series. I've never really liked King, but this story is absolutely great! You should start it if you've never read it!
"I don't believe that love can rot away. So first aim for the heart, then aim for the head."
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