Thanks For Standing By...Less Emo Posts To Come

Spring break is upon me, and I must say, so far it has been quite the break. Here's what has gone down so far:

• I moved juniper branches & stumps from my friend Rod's backyard. While there was payment involved, I had a genuinely good time getting dirty and sore.
• I ran into a friend I haven't seen in a while, Mike, at Satellite coffee, and ended up going to see Watchmen for free!
• I felt old at a concert (attended by mostly 13-year-olds) where one of my favorite bands, Disciple, really rocked hard, and brought back a legitimate head-banger's experience. I still have a crick in my neck. Like I said, old.
• I had coffee today with a good friend, and some new ones.

• I had a great lunch w/ Mikey and talked about IV stuff.

• I did my nm state taxes.
• I got a haircut.
• I actually got to sleep in, 2 days in a row!!
• I had a wonderful time having dinner, conversations, and watching Frasier (Hail to you corkmaster!) with Peter & Kathleen

And the week is only half over. I'm back in Socorro now, ready to maybe hit the hay a little early, so I can be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for work tomorrow. I still have some homework to work on for Monday, but I believe in taking spring break as slowly as possible.

I may actually feel rested enough to take on the rest of the semester when it comes. More on that to follow.

"The arena is empty except for one man, driving and striving as fast as he can."

Can't Sleep...Something Will Eat Me.

I've been sick for two days now. And guess what-I can't sleep! The next few lines will be my attempt to just type until maybe I can just drift off. It'll sort of be stream of consciousness style, so if you don't like that, click on one of the blogs I read for something different...

I've rediscovered Flogging Molly. I honestly haven't listened to them since Amanda, though I kept all the stuff I got from her. I guess deep down I knew I liked them in a way that transcended her. Which is good, because I'm really enjoying this Flogging Molly station on Pandora I recently started listening to. Too bad I'm too dizzy to dance a jig...

I have a microcontrollers exam in approximately 13h20m from when I post this. I've been studying. I'll also have time after vectors to look at the assembly stuff more directly. I really have to do good in this class. It's something I can't retake. I mean, I physically can, but I'm already burnt as far as school goes, and I want to make a better go of it this time.

Alright, so Netflix is a beautiful thing. Without which, I would never have discovered such great television as The Sopranos, Heroes, or Weeds. All of which I would recommend, but if ye be havin' what we call "virgin ears," ye should probably be stayin' away. I especially like The Sopranos, but I think Weeds has ignited within me a forbidden love for Mary-Louise Parker. She has gorgeous eyes, and she sells weed (in the show)!

Pretty sure Kenya is out this year. What with Chapter Camp (which I've recently been told is more or less mandatory for me) so soon, and Urbana also happening, I feel like Kenya is A) the farthest reach, and B) the one happening with most frequently. I mean, The Global Project will happen next year, but Urbana won't, and if this is really going to be my first CC as President of my IV chapter, I really need to focus on those.

I want to learn to ride a motorcycle so bad. That's something that's just been building in me for some time now, and I really think it's something I want to try. I'm afraid of a lot. I want to not be afraid of this, and maybe something like this will help me conquer some other fears as well.

This last part likely won't be repeated on fb, because more people are likely to see it:

It's recently come to my attention that I may be being used to fulfill the attention/affection need of a girl. If you know me, you know who. I really don't have that much to go on, except the sudden change in behavior of said girl. I'm not going to make any assumptions until I talk to her, and I'm not going to talk to her unless I notice a pattern forming. But man, if that's true, I'll just be done. I don't even think I have the energy to be angry with her if that's the case. That'll just be it for me as far as relationships go, at least for a while. A long while. And believe me, I've already stopped looking for some time, but I just don't think I can deal with something like that.

I really hope it's not true.

It would be great for the affection/attention to come my way for once.

"If I ever leave this world alive, I'll come back down and sit beside your feet tonight"

Well, Fancy That

So, as anybody who I've talked to knows, I recently asked a girl out, and was rejected. She gave me the usual lines that I've heard tons of times before. One thing she said was that she still wanted to be friends. So far, that has proven true. Things have not gotten awkward, and if anything, we're at least as comfortable around each other as we were before.

Something happened this weekend, though. Not only was she very comfortable around me, she displayed behavior that seemed at the time to be flirting. We were at our spring conference with InterVarsity, and while most of the time was spent in intensive study, we had some free time during the evenings. During those times, she seemed to want to maintain physical contact. A lot. And she stole my hat on a couple of occasions. I only mention the latter because it has happened before, and it was flirting then.

Needless to say, I came away confused. I spent a lot of Sunday wondering about what went on, and gathering advice as to whether or not I should bring this to her attention. I've decided not to do so, at least until I can gather more info and decide if this is going to be a pattern.

But after a while of wondering and pondering, I realized (with the help of the advice/wisdom of a friend) that I still have quite a bit of self-dislike (I really don't think it's as bad as calling it self-hatred) to work through. Who knew? Anyway, I'm currently trying to find ways to like myself again. Or something. We'll see how this goes.

"I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend"

Let me wax emo for just a moment...

Ok, I know I haven't posted in a while, but this isn't going to be a regular post where I just ponder, or relate life experience. I'm going to shamelessly use the following paragraphs to vent in such a manner as to be called 'emotive.' If you don't like that, nobody's going to make you read it, and hopefully I'll get to [somewhat] regular posts soon, and they won't be like this.

I was rejected again. flat-out told she wasn't interested. What's sad about it is, I actually made it to a first date before she said no, although, she probably wouldn't consider it such. Anyway, that's really not such a big deal. She's been really great about not being weird yet, in that she actually initiated a conversation with me after the fact. She seems to legitimately want to remain friends, and for that I can be thankful. I know the end result the last time a girl was sincere about remaining friends was most definitely a good one.

But what really depresses/confuses/pisses me off is that I just can't catch a damn break. I feel like I'm always the guy who likes the girl, and it's going to end hopelessly with her not interested, or interested in someone else, or whatever. While there may be no merit to it, your self-esteem is not helped when you are rejected by every girl you've ever asked out except for the half-crazy lesbian.

I know that's not where I'm supposed to derive my self-esteem, and honestly, it's not. But it's the one area in my life that I've been unsuccessful at every single time. Everything else I've ever done, I've seen through to completion, save college, which is still a work in progress. The only thing I've failed at every time is having some sort of romantic relationship.

Anyway, there's really nothing more to say. I'm not going to go cut my wrists and write a poem. That's narcissistic bullshit. In a couple of days, I'll have moved on, and I'll be fine. I just needed an out. I hope the next post will bear happier tidings.

"Pepperoni and green peppers, mushrooms, olives, chives"

Not Tomorrow...

Yet again, I feel challenged by one of my pastor's sermons. I don't want to go into a whole lot of detail, because honestly, detail isn't what I remember here. But the underlying message was to stop waiting for a convenient time to serve God, and to start today. That's what I feel challenged to do.

One thing I've always struggled with is spending time daily with God in the Word and in prayer. There are always a million (that's 10^6) reasons not to do something, and this, unfortunately, does not miraculously exclude spending time with God. It's sort of funny, because I am constantly saying I want my relationship with God to grow closer, but have done little to make it happen on my end. I aim to change that.

I'm not sure if I'm going to try to start reading the Bible in the morning, which I think is pretty lofty, given my track record there, or in the evening, when I feel like I go to sleep and forget what I read. Maybe I'll try to work sometime during my day to cut away and spend with God. Either way, I'm not going to put it off any longer. I'm going to spend more time with God every day.

Keep in mind, this is not a "New Year's Resolution." I despise those, because we as a society have arbitrarily picked a day to decide to change our lives. There's no more "meaning" in changing your life in January than there is in September, save what meaning we may assign there. I'm not going to try to "do this for 2009," because I want it to be something more than that. And, needless to say, I'll probably fail, especially early on, and I don't want the though of a failed resolution being an encouragement for giving up altogether.

Take it or leave it, but that's what's on my mind right now.

"Pardon me while I burst into flames"

Freedom! Or, What Am I Doing Here?

It's done! This semester is finally over! And what's better, I didn't fail anything! A year ago, the preceding wouldn't be a sentence worth finishing with an exclamation, but that's where I am now. To be honest, I got mediocre grades, but I passed everything, so I'm happy for now. I'm still going to have to kick it up a couple of notches in order to maintain 1) my scholarship, and 2) my sense of dignity. But from here on out, I have no need (nor desire) to take more than 13 hours (give or take) ever again! It won't get me out faster, and it's only going to add pain to my life, so I'm not going to do it. Here's hoping for a good finish (by finish, I clearly mean 2.5 years).

I haven't rested up from the semester quite yet, but I still have approximately four weeks to do just that, so I'm not feeling too bad just yet.

I heard a really good sermon yesterday. I haven't felt that in a while, but yesterday was really good. Pastor Chuck likes n-point sermons, and he usually makes those points alliterative. Some may say that it's a pre-canned sermon-in-a-book type thing, but I don't think so. For one, he's so personal and down-to-earth, and his sermons don't feel forced. For two, I really think he structures his sermons that way so they stick in the brain easier. I could be wrong, but until proven otherwise, I'm going to believe that his sermons are sincere, if not a little bit catchy.

Anyway, like I said, I really liked what I heard yesterday. Yesterday fit the formula with n = 3, and the letter with which to alliterate (word?) was "A":

1)Affirm that nothing is more important than seeking Christ
2)Acknowledge God is the giver of all good things
3)Act on what we know to be true

Ok, so there was a lot in between those three points, these were the focal points of the sermon. I think I especially needed to hear (1) (again!), because lately, I've definitely been seeking stuff that isn't Jesus. I have girls on the brain, as well as school and work. Well, that's basically all of my life at the moment, but the point is that I haven't been looking for Jesus in my everyday life. Again. There's not much else to say here, I just wanted to point that out.

The rest of the message was also very applicable to where I am right now, but that first point is just what stuck with me the most. I also really appreciated how he didn't end the service by praying that God give us the ability to recognize these things in our lives, but rather made it something we each had to determine to think on our own. While that's harder than praying that God make it available for me, I know that's how life goes sometimes, so I liked that he didn't try to take the easy way with that one.

Needless to say, I'm a bit jaded in my life right now, so I know that just by typing, "I Marcus, will determine my self to (1), (2) and (3) for the year of 2009," that I won't actually be doing what I need to be doing. However, for the sake of getting it out of my chest, I am going to do my best over the next year to seek after Christ more. Here's hoping I remember this tomorrow...

"Where there is pain, let there be grace. Where there is suffering, bring serenity."

Couldn't Stand The Weather

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. A lot has happened since my last post, but in a way, a lot hasn't happened, as well.

I think since I last posted about it, I got a confirmed "I'll never call you again" from you-know-who. Which means that yeah, I did call her. But here's the deal: My good friend Lisa was telling me that sometimes you have to run, like when Potiphar's wife was trying to seduce Joseph. He couldn't have sat and talked it out with her, because his convictions were at stake. But sometimes, you have to face stuff head-on, and kill it where it stands. Now, let me be frank. Last year, my convictions were dearly at stake. I knew I had to run, even if it meant leaving my favorite jacket in the clutches of a seductress, because I knew I wouldn't have the strength to hold to my beliefs, those beliefs being that having Amanda in my life was hurting me. But a year has gone by, and I'm a lot stronger now. She can't tempt me the way she could've a year ago. Now, this isn't to say that she's some evil seductress. In all honesty, we were both seducing each other constantly. So, I called her, and laid out why I stopped calling. I then told her why I thought it would be best if we didn't speak again. She didn't seem happy, but she agreed.

Anyway, the semester is good, but busy. To Adam & Tina, I love you both, and I'm glad I made your wedding, but know that yours is the only one I think I'll ever leave mid-semester for, because I just got too far behind, and in some [small] ways, I'm still playing catch up. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I'm so freaking glad I got to be there with you on your big day, but I can't afford to do that probably ever again (Read: the next 3 years or so while I'm in college). Anyway, at least I don't feel like I'm failing anything. I have a couple of C's, which is borderline in my degree (believe it or not!), but they're high C's, and I may be able to change at least one of them to a B.

Like I said, not much else is going on right now, so I'll leave you with this: I think my love for Stevie Ray Vaughan has been reignited. He's my favorite guitarist. That is all.

"That's how it happens, livin' life by the drop."