Right now, I'm sick and tired of being demonized because my faith doesn't look like somebody else's. I've spent too many months feeling awkward because one of my roommates and my parents don't necessarily think that what I'm doing with myself is something a Christian would do. Not awkward because I felt they were right and I wanted to change to meet their standards, but awkward because I didn't want them to think I was this evil person.
But I guess I'm just going to be perceived as evil by some. My choices to drink, have the occasional cigar, and whatever else I do that pisses people off is going to do just that. I'm not going to try and make them happy, or even hope that they eventually change their minds and don't see me as "in sin" or "evil." If I'm in sin, I want to know, but otherwise, it's nobody's business buy mine and God's.
I don't want to have a "to hell with it all" attitude, but I'll go crazy if I stress over what my parents/roommate will probably always think. So, I'm not going to bother even thinking I don't want them to feel that way. Let them fast for me. Let them quietly feel I'm in sin. My salvation is between me and God, and I'm confident that while our relationship isn't perfect, it's our own, it's unique, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
People in NM, don't take this the wrong way, but I really right now wish I were in TN, surrounded by people who not only don't judge me for this, but actually accept me. I know I have friends here that do, and I can't explain why I'm feeling this way, but I really want to be affirmed by my brethren out east right now.
"What if I say I'm not like the others?"
28 November 2008
18 November 2008
Quick Music Review: Who Are You
Who Are You by The Who is definitely one of their best albums. I would recommend it to anyone who is looking for something different. It has a little of everything: Rock, Blues, a hint of synthesizers. I torrented the album, but I will be paying money for this one.Ok, now you can get back to your lives.
"Who are you? I really wanna know"
17 November 2008
Ravenous
I'm sick of being complacent. I haven't been to church in Socorro for a while (though, I go when I'm in ABQ), because I just haven't felt like I've been getting what I need out of them. That's not to say that the one in Albuquerque is filling me completely, but I think it's a step in the direction I'm looking.
To be honest, I don't really know what I want from a church. All I really do know right now is that I want more of God. I want to see His face more, to look where His head turns, and to see what it is that makes His heart beat faster. I want to ponder what He ponders, and weep about what He weeps about.
I just want to feel closer to Him. Not in a superficial way, that will be gone as soon as it comes, but in a lasting, every day sort of way. I don't know what this looks like, or how I'm going to go about attaining it. I don't want something that I can necessarily get at church, because if I can get it in its completeness there, it's likely it won't last very long once I leave the building. What's sufficient for a church building often isn't when real life becomes the setting for my story.
Honestly, I don't know what possessed me to write this. This semester has seen its ups and downs: I've seen someone come to Christ, and I've seen someone decide they don't believe in God. I've loved (this doesn't necessarily refer to people) and hated (this does and doesn't). I've been a terrible Christian, and I've known without a shadow of a doubt that I was exactly where God wanted me doing what He wanted me to do.
After all of that, I just want more. I want something deeper. We've been studying John in large group, and though I was planning on moving toward something that may be a little deeper, but in actuality probably not, now I think I want to study Hebrews. I want my chapter to read something that is less narrative, and more one guy's completely dumbstruck response to who Jesus is. And I want to encounter Him and respond. And I want people at NMT to do the same.
This was jumbled, and for that, I'm sorry you didn't have something more linear to read. I won't apologize for the Christ-centric nature of it, but I will say I understand if that's not what you were looking to read. Either way, thank you for reading this far.
"You alone are what my soul needs, You know the thirst is taking over"
To be honest, I don't really know what I want from a church. All I really do know right now is that I want more of God. I want to see His face more, to look where His head turns, and to see what it is that makes His heart beat faster. I want to ponder what He ponders, and weep about what He weeps about.
I just want to feel closer to Him. Not in a superficial way, that will be gone as soon as it comes, but in a lasting, every day sort of way. I don't know what this looks like, or how I'm going to go about attaining it. I don't want something that I can necessarily get at church, because if I can get it in its completeness there, it's likely it won't last very long once I leave the building. What's sufficient for a church building often isn't when real life becomes the setting for my story.
Honestly, I don't know what possessed me to write this. This semester has seen its ups and downs: I've seen someone come to Christ, and I've seen someone decide they don't believe in God. I've loved (this doesn't necessarily refer to people) and hated (this does and doesn't). I've been a terrible Christian, and I've known without a shadow of a doubt that I was exactly where God wanted me doing what He wanted me to do.
After all of that, I just want more. I want something deeper. We've been studying John in large group, and though I was planning on moving toward something that may be a little deeper, but in actuality probably not, now I think I want to study Hebrews. I want my chapter to read something that is less narrative, and more one guy's completely dumbstruck response to who Jesus is. And I want to encounter Him and respond. And I want people at NMT to do the same.
This was jumbled, and for that, I'm sorry you didn't have something more linear to read. I won't apologize for the Christ-centric nature of it, but I will say I understand if that's not what you were looking to read. Either way, thank you for reading this far.
"You alone are what my soul needs, You know the thirst is taking over"
12 November 2008
Dreams...
So, I haven't updated in a while, and there's a bunch of stuff floating around in my head. Not sure if it'll all make it, and I'm not promising that it's going to be anything like coherent, but I just need to get some stuff out there.
I dreamed I found my passport. I dreamed it was in a pocket of a jacket I was wearing, like it just appeared there as I was wearing the jacket. Weird. And it was one of those dreams that I believed when I woke up. But alas, it was not to be. Not yet, at least. The search continues...
I had a sudden memory of something I didn't even know I'd forgotten recently. I remembered how Amanda used to freak out if I left her alone in her apartment. How she'd have to have a movie playing, or something like that before she'd go to sleep, and even then it was usually after multiple hours of coaxing her before she'd even consider it. Of course, now I'm seeing through the filter of "How real was that? It could've been her just keeping me there longer." Just about everything she ever did had a hook in it, so I'll believe it was just her way of making me do what she wanted. But you know, I may never know for sure, and I'm honestly not even sure if I care at all anymore.
I was up until 4 last night coding with MATLAB. But here's the kicker: My program worked!! Even though I loathe coding, there's not much that compares with the feeling with a working program. Now I just have two to go!
Oh, and I just have to put a short book review in! I'm currently engulfed in Stephen King's The Waste Lands, which is book 3 of his Dark Tower series. I've never really liked King, but this story is absolutely great! You should start it if you've never read it!
"I don't believe that love can rot away. So first aim for the heart, then aim for the head."
I dreamed I found my passport. I dreamed it was in a pocket of a jacket I was wearing, like it just appeared there as I was wearing the jacket. Weird. And it was one of those dreams that I believed when I woke up. But alas, it was not to be. Not yet, at least. The search continues...
I had a sudden memory of something I didn't even know I'd forgotten recently. I remembered how Amanda used to freak out if I left her alone in her apartment. How she'd have to have a movie playing, or something like that before she'd go to sleep, and even then it was usually after multiple hours of coaxing her before she'd even consider it. Of course, now I'm seeing through the filter of "How real was that? It could've been her just keeping me there longer." Just about everything she ever did had a hook in it, so I'll believe it was just her way of making me do what she wanted. But you know, I may never know for sure, and I'm honestly not even sure if I care at all anymore.
I was up until 4 last night coding with MATLAB. But here's the kicker: My program worked!! Even though I loathe coding, there's not much that compares with the feeling with a working program. Now I just have two to go!
Oh, and I just have to put a short book review in! I'm currently engulfed in Stephen King's The Waste Lands, which is book 3 of his Dark Tower series. I've never really liked King, but this story is absolutely great! You should start it if you've never read it!
"I don't believe that love can rot away. So first aim for the heart, then aim for the head."
05 November 2008
Caveat
With this year's election finally over, I feel like I need to say a few things.
First off, I'm not terribly happy that Obama is our president. Now, the other side of that is that honestly, I wasn't thrilled with the idea of McCain either. Both of them are just a little too liberal (politically and economically) for my tastes. But I'm not worried. God is ultimately in control of everything, and I believe this will work out for His glory in the end.
Second, I think the electoral college needs revamping, or at least rethinking. For all of the state's electoral votes to go with the side of the majority may not seem like a bad idea, but when the majorities are as small as they were this year (Obama led by <10% in a lot of states), all of those votes for the "other guy" are completely wasted. And I thought this eight years ago when Bush eeked by. Now, this is easy for me, someone from a state with 5 votes (5 whole votes! Oh joy of joys!!). But seriously, when a president can theoretically win with 12 states and 30% of the popular vote, something's wrong.
Lastly, one thing that worries me is the seeming deification of our president-elect. I mean, he skipped sainthood, and became savior in our eyes. Obama supporters are painting this picture like he is the Christ, and we need to follow him. That worries me. God is the only being deserving of glory, and when we ascribe that to a person, especially a person of power, things can be dangerous. Look at Hitler and Stalin. Now, I'm not saying Obama = Hitler = Stalin. What I am saying, is look at the hero worship that was rampant when these guys were in power. It gave them exponentially more power than was necessary or safe. Obama may turn out to be an ok, and even good president. But when we think he can do no wrong, we give him more power over us than I personally want to give.
All that being said, maybe it's good that we finally elected a black president. Maybe some people with more racist views will be compelled to think about that. Hopefully.
I did not write this to slander President Obama, or to declare that I'm moving to Canada (it's still far more liberal than this place), I just wish we'd think about some things before we do them, because while I'm sure that a lot of people made an informed, intentional decision to vote for the man, my gut tells me that a lot (maybe a lot more) didn't.
Also, maybe in four years, the Republicans will get off their lazy asses and stop trying to slander the "liberal devils" and actually embrace ideas and policies that hold to the conservative ideal. Just a thought.
First off, I'm not terribly happy that Obama is our president. Now, the other side of that is that honestly, I wasn't thrilled with the idea of McCain either. Both of them are just a little too liberal (politically and economically) for my tastes. But I'm not worried. God is ultimately in control of everything, and I believe this will work out for His glory in the end.
Second, I think the electoral college needs revamping, or at least rethinking. For all of the state's electoral votes to go with the side of the majority may not seem like a bad idea, but when the majorities are as small as they were this year (Obama led by <10% in a lot of states), all of those votes for the "other guy" are completely wasted. And I thought this eight years ago when Bush eeked by. Now, this is easy for me, someone from a state with 5 votes (5 whole votes! Oh joy of joys!!). But seriously, when a president can theoretically win with 12 states and 30% of the popular vote, something's wrong.
Lastly, one thing that worries me is the seeming deification of our president-elect. I mean, he skipped sainthood, and became savior in our eyes. Obama supporters are painting this picture like he is the Christ, and we need to follow him. That worries me. God is the only being deserving of glory, and when we ascribe that to a person, especially a person of power, things can be dangerous. Look at Hitler and Stalin. Now, I'm not saying Obama = Hitler = Stalin. What I am saying, is look at the hero worship that was rampant when these guys were in power. It gave them exponentially more power than was necessary or safe. Obama may turn out to be an ok, and even good president. But when we think he can do no wrong, we give him more power over us than I personally want to give.
All that being said, maybe it's good that we finally elected a black president. Maybe some people with more racist views will be compelled to think about that. Hopefully.
I did not write this to slander President Obama, or to declare that I'm moving to Canada (it's still far more liberal than this place), I just wish we'd think about some things before we do them, because while I'm sure that a lot of people made an informed, intentional decision to vote for the man, my gut tells me that a lot (maybe a lot more) didn't.
Also, maybe in four years, the Republicans will get off their lazy asses and stop trying to slander the "liberal devils" and actually embrace ideas and policies that hold to the conservative ideal. Just a thought.
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