I've recently taken myself off of the market. Now, this won't look any different from when I was the market, except that when people ask (and with my family, they will), I can tell them that I'm not dating for my own reasons. That way, I can sound wise, and like I've put a lot of thought into it. And if I'm in a Christian crowd, I'll get the double bonus of having them assume that my hiatus from dating is for spiritual reasons. I'm here to let you readers in on a secret: I'm off the market, because I'm sick of wasting energy on all the bullshit of trying to find a relationship. It hurts too much, and maybe I'm just getting old, but it makes me tired just thinking of trying to "date" someone right now. So, if you are around me, and you hear me say, "Oh, I'm off the market," you'll know deep down that you're privy to some pretty confidential info that only everybody with an internet connection can see (but a lot of them don't know that).
My cousin and I got to talking, about school, relationships, and things we regret about both. And she said, "If you didn't have regrets, you wouldn't be human." Now, this got me thinking about all those people you hear about/see around/know that talk about living life with "no regrets." And you know what I think? I think it is impossible to have no regrets without having a completely shallow existence! Which, for me, would be a huge regret. As for me, yeah, I've had some pretty shitty parts to an otherwise great existence thus far. And I do regret certain things, like dating that immature little girl when I could have come to tech a year earlier than I did. And failing those classes last spring. But you know what? That's just part of my experience of this STD called life! I have so much more about life that I enjoy, and the good outweighs the bad. In fact, the bad helps me give some contrast to the good, so I can see just how good it really is!
That's all I really have for now. I really have to get to some homework, I just thought that I had to get this out, or I might lose it. Do with it what you will.
"And the problem, it seems, is with you and me--not the love who came to repair everything."
08 April 2009
Putting off Math
One of these days, my posts won't have to do with school. One of these days, my posts won't have to do with girls. One of these days, I'll feel confident in my abilities, my intelligence, my personality, and current status. One of these days, the term "Professional Student" will be a joke, and not a statement of fact. One of these days, I'll have a degree. One of these days, I'll put more trust in who I am in God, and not worry about where I am in the world. One of these days, I'll meet the girl of my dreams, and when I call her, she'll get excited; I'll hear it in her voice. One of these days, I won't define where I am by where I've been, or where I want to be. I'll just define where I am by where I am, and enjoy it for what it is. One of these days, I'll be up front with my feelings, and not let humor cover what's really going on. One of these days, I won't let the little stuff get to me. One of these days, I'll be able to hang out with people my own age on a regular basis. One of these days, I'll be better on the real guitar than on Rock Band. One of these days, I won't feel like I'm not important to the people I care about, but one of these days, it won't really matter that much to me. One of these days, I'll learn the difference between what I want and what I need. One of these days, I'll take everything to God before it happens, not after. One of these days, I'll bring God my joy as well as my sorrow. One of these days, I'll have a man room complete with guitars and equipment, pool table, cigar humidor and various types of whiskey. One of these days, that room will probably have to become a second house. One of these days, I'll feel less insecure about how women see me. One of these days, I won't feel like the only one in my circle who isn't married or dating. One of these days, I may shave the beard -- but don't count on it. One of these days, my only experience dating someone won't end in sadness. One of these days, I won't have to hide who I am from certain people, however well-meaning they are. One of these days, I'll care about others more than myself. One of these days, I'll stop writing horribly formatted blog posts at 12:30am, and do my homework and get some sleep instead. :P
"But that's the problem! We never speak to Him!"
"But that's the problem! We never speak to Him!"
06 April 2009
Perception vs. Reality, or, How to Write a Speech at 1AM
I only have five more weeks of classes. Well, this semester, at least. The crunch has officially hit this week, with speech, exam, and presentation all happening, all by Wednesday. To be fair, the exam is take-home, and not due until next week. Nevertheless, this week is going to hurt.
So, in the spirit of the headless chicken, I've decided to pound out another stream-of-consciousness style blog. This may seem random, and it probably is, but it's basically a mental dump. Whatever's in there is going to come out here, and in no particular order. So sit back, grab a cold beer and a loved one, and enjoy.
I am so ready to be done with school. This weekend showed me that possibly more than anything so far. I helped Dave move on Saturday, which was a blast, and pretty exhausting. But I got to spend all day with people who have moved on (and one who hasn't quite!) with their lives. We didn't talk about their memories of school, or my next two years of it. We just moved house. And ate. And spent time together. It was a total blast.
Then today, I had lunch with some cousins and friends, most of whom have graduated or will be in May, and that was, in a word, great. The conversation turned a little nerdy at points, but to be honest, that is something I secretly enjoy (maybe not so secretly). But just having a meal with people my age and older was so much fun.
Anyway, this weekend was great for my desires in the area of hanging out, and probably not so great for my patience. Well, don't worry. I'm back at school with people who were born in 1990, so I'll get un-used to how great this weekend felt shortly.
I want to play guitar like my pastor. The guy is amazing. And doesn't really give lessons. Not that I could afford any, so I'm going down the road of the more-or-less self-taught (I learned the basics from an amazing NM guitarist named Eric, from Tijeras), and hopefully I can eventually sound close. I now have my old poster of guitar scales, so that's a step in the right direction, right?
As much as I don't like dressing up, I brought my suit down for my speech. It looks dang sharp, and I think it'll help on Tuesday. I've given up the research for the night, and I'm calling it quits as soon as this is finished, I just couldn't seem to sleep before I typed a little.
Is it bad that one of my cousin's best friends has been in my head lately? She's 2 years older than me, and has a kid. As far as I know, the father is out of the picture, and for some reason, I've been thinking about her a lot lately. Like, in an 'attraction' sense. I'm sure it's nothing. I don't want to have my own kids, let alone find myself in a relationship with someone who already has one. And I'm pretty sure she's not interested at all. I just have this weird thing where periodically, one of the very few women in my life (that isn't related to me or in a relationship with someone else) pops into my head for a time before I either build it up into something it isn't (my recent venture w/ Kelsey), or diffuses into nothing (about 90% of other women I know). It's just weird that this particular girl even came into my head. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.
^^The above is the reason this post isn't going on fb, so if you know me, please don't mention it to me anywhere near there, or in physical public.
And now, the sleepiness has reached a point where whatever I would type next would either be redundant, or in a language only spoken by people talking to babies and the very drunk. As such, I'm off. Take anything you read, and do with it what you will. Or don't. I make no claims that my thoughts or words will heal the sick, or put hair back on your head. I only offer them for you to ponder. And to promise a 30% deduction in your credit card debt (not certifiable anywhere).
"There must be some kind of way out of here"
So, in the spirit of the headless chicken, I've decided to pound out another stream-of-consciousness style blog. This may seem random, and it probably is, but it's basically a mental dump. Whatever's in there is going to come out here, and in no particular order. So sit back, grab a cold beer and a loved one, and enjoy.
I am so ready to be done with school. This weekend showed me that possibly more than anything so far. I helped Dave move on Saturday, which was a blast, and pretty exhausting. But I got to spend all day with people who have moved on (and one who hasn't quite!) with their lives. We didn't talk about their memories of school, or my next two years of it. We just moved house. And ate. And spent time together. It was a total blast.
Then today, I had lunch with some cousins and friends, most of whom have graduated or will be in May, and that was, in a word, great. The conversation turned a little nerdy at points, but to be honest, that is something I secretly enjoy (maybe not so secretly). But just having a meal with people my age and older was so much fun.
Anyway, this weekend was great for my desires in the area of hanging out, and probably not so great for my patience. Well, don't worry. I'm back at school with people who were born in 1990, so I'll get un-used to how great this weekend felt shortly.
I want to play guitar like my pastor. The guy is amazing. And doesn't really give lessons. Not that I could afford any, so I'm going down the road of the more-or-less self-taught (I learned the basics from an amazing NM guitarist named Eric, from Tijeras), and hopefully I can eventually sound close. I now have my old poster of guitar scales, so that's a step in the right direction, right?
As much as I don't like dressing up, I brought my suit down for my speech. It looks dang sharp, and I think it'll help on Tuesday. I've given up the research for the night, and I'm calling it quits as soon as this is finished, I just couldn't seem to sleep before I typed a little.
Is it bad that one of my cousin's best friends has been in my head lately? She's 2 years older than me, and has a kid. As far as I know, the father is out of the picture, and for some reason, I've been thinking about her a lot lately. Like, in an 'attraction' sense. I'm sure it's nothing. I don't want to have my own kids, let alone find myself in a relationship with someone who already has one. And I'm pretty sure she's not interested at all. I just have this weird thing where periodically, one of the very few women in my life (that isn't related to me or in a relationship with someone else) pops into my head for a time before I either build it up into something it isn't (my recent venture w/ Kelsey), or diffuses into nothing (about 90% of other women I know). It's just weird that this particular girl even came into my head. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.
^^The above is the reason this post isn't going on fb, so if you know me, please don't mention it to me anywhere near there, or in physical public.
And now, the sleepiness has reached a point where whatever I would type next would either be redundant, or in a language only spoken by people talking to babies and the very drunk. As such, I'm off. Take anything you read, and do with it what you will. Or don't. I make no claims that my thoughts or words will heal the sick, or put hair back on your head. I only offer them for you to ponder. And to promise a 30% deduction in your credit card debt (not certifiable anywhere).
"There must be some kind of way out of here"
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