Can't Sleep...Something Will Eat Me.

I've been sick for two days now. And guess what-I can't sleep! The next few lines will be my attempt to just type until maybe I can just drift off. It'll sort of be stream of consciousness style, so if you don't like that, click on one of the blogs I read for something different...

I've rediscovered Flogging Molly. I honestly haven't listened to them since Amanda, though I kept all the stuff I got from her. I guess deep down I knew I liked them in a way that transcended her. Which is good, because I'm really enjoying this Flogging Molly station on Pandora I recently started listening to. Too bad I'm too dizzy to dance a jig...

I have a microcontrollers exam in approximately 13h20m from when I post this. I've been studying. I'll also have time after vectors to look at the assembly stuff more directly. I really have to do good in this class. It's something I can't retake. I mean, I physically can, but I'm already burnt as far as school goes, and I want to make a better go of it this time.

Alright, so Netflix is a beautiful thing. Without which, I would never have discovered such great television as The Sopranos, Heroes, or Weeds. All of which I would recommend, but if ye be havin' what we call "virgin ears," ye should probably be stayin' away. I especially like The Sopranos, but I think Weeds has ignited within me a forbidden love for Mary-Louise Parker. She has gorgeous eyes, and she sells weed (in the show)!

Pretty sure Kenya is out this year. What with Chapter Camp (which I've recently been told is more or less mandatory for me) so soon, and Urbana also happening, I feel like Kenya is A) the farthest reach, and B) the one happening with most frequently. I mean, The Global Project will happen next year, but Urbana won't, and if this is really going to be my first CC as President of my IV chapter, I really need to focus on those.

I want to learn to ride a motorcycle so bad. That's something that's just been building in me for some time now, and I really think it's something I want to try. I'm afraid of a lot. I want to not be afraid of this, and maybe something like this will help me conquer some other fears as well.

This last part likely won't be repeated on fb, because more people are likely to see it:

It's recently come to my attention that I may be being used to fulfill the attention/affection need of a girl. If you know me, you know who. I really don't have that much to go on, except the sudden change in behavior of said girl. I'm not going to make any assumptions until I talk to her, and I'm not going to talk to her unless I notice a pattern forming. But man, if that's true, I'll just be done. I don't even think I have the energy to be angry with her if that's the case. That'll just be it for me as far as relationships go, at least for a while. A long while. And believe me, I've already stopped looking for some time, but I just don't think I can deal with something like that.

I really hope it's not true.

It would be great for the affection/attention to come my way for once.

"If I ever leave this world alive, I'll come back down and sit beside your feet tonight"

Well, Fancy That

So, as anybody who I've talked to knows, I recently asked a girl out, and was rejected. She gave me the usual lines that I've heard tons of times before. One thing she said was that she still wanted to be friends. So far, that has proven true. Things have not gotten awkward, and if anything, we're at least as comfortable around each other as we were before.

Something happened this weekend, though. Not only was she very comfortable around me, she displayed behavior that seemed at the time to be flirting. We were at our spring conference with InterVarsity, and while most of the time was spent in intensive study, we had some free time during the evenings. During those times, she seemed to want to maintain physical contact. A lot. And she stole my hat on a couple of occasions. I only mention the latter because it has happened before, and it was flirting then.

Needless to say, I came away confused. I spent a lot of Sunday wondering about what went on, and gathering advice as to whether or not I should bring this to her attention. I've decided not to do so, at least until I can gather more info and decide if this is going to be a pattern.

But after a while of wondering and pondering, I realized (with the help of the advice/wisdom of a friend) that I still have quite a bit of self-dislike (I really don't think it's as bad as calling it self-hatred) to work through. Who knew? Anyway, I'm currently trying to find ways to like myself again. Or something. We'll see how this goes.

"I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend"

Let me wax emo for just a moment...

Ok, I know I haven't posted in a while, but this isn't going to be a regular post where I just ponder, or relate life experience. I'm going to shamelessly use the following paragraphs to vent in such a manner as to be called 'emotive.' If you don't like that, nobody's going to make you read it, and hopefully I'll get to [somewhat] regular posts soon, and they won't be like this.

I was rejected again. flat-out told she wasn't interested. What's sad about it is, I actually made it to a first date before she said no, although, she probably wouldn't consider it such. Anyway, that's really not such a big deal. She's been really great about not being weird yet, in that she actually initiated a conversation with me after the fact. She seems to legitimately want to remain friends, and for that I can be thankful. I know the end result the last time a girl was sincere about remaining friends was most definitely a good one.

But what really depresses/confuses/pisses me off is that I just can't catch a damn break. I feel like I'm always the guy who likes the girl, and it's going to end hopelessly with her not interested, or interested in someone else, or whatever. While there may be no merit to it, your self-esteem is not helped when you are rejected by every girl you've ever asked out except for the half-crazy lesbian.

I know that's not where I'm supposed to derive my self-esteem, and honestly, it's not. But it's the one area in my life that I've been unsuccessful at every single time. Everything else I've ever done, I've seen through to completion, save college, which is still a work in progress. The only thing I've failed at every time is having some sort of romantic relationship.

Anyway, there's really nothing more to say. I'm not going to go cut my wrists and write a poem. That's narcissistic bullshit. In a couple of days, I'll have moved on, and I'll be fine. I just needed an out. I hope the next post will bear happier tidings.

"Pepperoni and green peppers, mushrooms, olives, chives"