Putting off Math

One of these days, my posts won't have to do with school. One of these days, my posts won't have to do with girls. One of these days, I'll feel confident in my abilities, my intelligence, my personality, and current status. One of these days, the term "Professional Student" will be a joke, and not a statement of fact. One of these days, I'll have a degree. One of these days, I'll put more trust in who I am in God, and not worry about where I am in the world. One of these days, I'll meet the girl of my dreams, and when I call her, she'll get excited; I'll hear it in her voice. One of these days, I won't define where I am by where I've been, or where I want to be. I'll just define where I am by where I am, and enjoy it for what it is. One of these days, I'll be up front with my feelings, and not let humor cover what's really going on. One of these days, I won't let the little stuff get to me. One of these days, I'll be able to hang out with people my own age on a regular basis. One of these days, I'll be better on the real guitar than on Rock Band. One of these days, I won't feel like I'm not important to the people I care about, but one of these days, it won't really matter that much to me. One of these days, I'll learn the difference between what I want and what I need. One of these days, I'll take everything to God before it happens, not after. One of these days, I'll bring God my joy as well as my sorrow. One of these days, I'll have a man room complete with guitars and equipment, pool table, cigar humidor and various types of whiskey. One of these days, that room will probably have to become a second house. One of these days, I'll feel less insecure about how women see me. One of these days, I won't feel like the only one in my circle who isn't married or dating. One of these days, I may shave the beard -- but don't count on it. One of these days, my only experience dating someone won't end in sadness. One of these days, I won't have to hide who I am from certain people, however well-meaning they are. One of these days, I'll care about others more than myself. One of these days, I'll stop writing horribly formatted blog posts at 12:30am, and do my homework and get some sleep instead. :P

"But that's the problem! We never speak to Him!"

Perception vs. Reality, or, How to Write a Speech at 1AM

I only have five more weeks of classes. Well, this semester, at least. The crunch has officially hit this week, with speech, exam, and presentation all happening, all by Wednesday. To be fair, the exam is take-home, and not due until next week. Nevertheless, this week is going to hurt.

So, in the spirit of the headless chicken, I've decided to pound out another stream-of-consciousness style blog. This may seem random, and it probably is, but it's basically a mental dump. Whatever's in there is going to come out here, and in no particular order. So sit back, grab a cold beer and a loved one, and enjoy.

I am so ready to be done with school. This weekend showed me that possibly more than anything so far. I helped Dave move on Saturday, which was a blast, and pretty exhausting. But I got to spend all day with people who have moved on (and one who hasn't quite!) with their lives. We didn't talk about their memories of school, or my next two years of it. We just moved house. And ate. And spent time together. It was a total blast.

Then today, I had lunch with some cousins and friends, most of whom have graduated or will be in May, and that was, in a word, great. The conversation turned a little nerdy at points, but to be honest, that is something I secretly enjoy (maybe not so secretly). But just having a meal with people my age and older was so much fun.

Anyway, this weekend was great for my desires in the area of hanging out, and probably not so great for my patience. Well, don't worry. I'm back at school with people who were born in 1990, so I'll get un-used to how great this weekend felt shortly.

I want to play guitar like my pastor. The guy is amazing. And doesn't really give lessons. Not that I could afford any, so I'm going down the road of the more-or-less self-taught (I learned the basics from an amazing NM guitarist named Eric, from Tijeras), and hopefully I can eventually sound close. I now have my old poster of guitar scales, so that's a step in the right direction, right?

As much as I don't like dressing up, I brought my suit down for my speech. It looks dang sharp, and I think it'll help on Tuesday. I've given up the research for the night, and I'm calling it quits as soon as this is finished, I just couldn't seem to sleep before I typed a little.

Is it bad that one of my cousin's best friends has been in my head lately? She's 2 years older than me, and has a kid. As far as I know, the father is out of the picture, and for some reason, I've been thinking about her a lot lately. Like, in an 'attraction' sense. I'm sure it's nothing. I don't want to have my own kids, let alone find myself in a relationship with someone who already has one. And I'm pretty sure she's not interested at all. I just have this weird thing where periodically, one of the very few women in my life (that isn't related to me or in a relationship with someone else) pops into my head for a time before I either build it up into something it isn't (my recent venture w/ Kelsey), or diffuses into nothing (about 90% of other women I know). It's just weird that this particular girl even came into my head. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

^^The above is the reason this post isn't going on fb, so if you know me, please don't mention it to me anywhere near there, or in physical public.

And now, the sleepiness has reached a point where whatever I would type next would either be redundant, or in a language only spoken by people talking to babies and the very drunk. As such, I'm off. Take anything you read, and do with it what you will. Or don't. I make no claims that my thoughts or words will heal the sick, or put hair back on your head. I only offer them for you to ponder. And to promise a 30% deduction in your credit card debt (not certifiable anywhere).

"There must be some kind of way out of here"

St. Patty's To-Do List

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Today is a great day to explore your Irish heritage, since everybody is Irish today! Here are some suggestions from an actual Irishman (yours truly) to make today fierce deadly:

• Be sure to wear green. It accentuates the Irish in your hair and skin tone.
• Find the nearest pub, or other place that might be serving corned beef and cabbage. Have some.
• It's a good idea to wash that down with a pint of black stuff. Guinness is a good one, and imminently available.
• Car Bombs! How: 1 pint Guinness, 1/2 shot bailey's, 1/2 shot Jameson (or other Irish Whiskey, bot in the same shot glass). Get ready. Drop shot glass in beer. The yeast in beer will curdle the Irish cream, so you have to drink it fast. The college terminology is "pound it."
• Note: The above can make one bollixed, ossified, or even three sheets to the wind.
• A good background for any of this would be to start a Flogging Molly or Dropkick Murphys station on Pandora. The listening will be great all day.

Well, That's all I have for now. I hope you have a great St. Patty's filled with fun, beer, friends, and don't forget: Beer.

"No ball or chain nor prison shall keep, we're the rebels of the sacred heart"

Thanks For Standing By...Less Emo Posts To Come

Spring break is upon me, and I must say, so far it has been quite the break. Here's what has gone down so far:

• I moved juniper branches & stumps from my friend Rod's backyard. While there was payment involved, I had a genuinely good time getting dirty and sore.
• I ran into a friend I haven't seen in a while, Mike, at Satellite coffee, and ended up going to see Watchmen for free!
• I felt old at a concert (attended by mostly 13-year-olds) where one of my favorite bands, Disciple, really rocked hard, and brought back a legitimate head-banger's experience. I still have a crick in my neck. Like I said, old.
• I had coffee today with a good friend, and some new ones.

• I had a great lunch w/ Mikey and talked about IV stuff.

• I did my nm state taxes.
• I got a haircut.
• I actually got to sleep in, 2 days in a row!!
• I had a wonderful time having dinner, conversations, and watching Frasier (Hail to you corkmaster!) with Peter & Kathleen

And the week is only half over. I'm back in Socorro now, ready to maybe hit the hay a little early, so I can be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for work tomorrow. I still have some homework to work on for Monday, but I believe in taking spring break as slowly as possible.

I may actually feel rested enough to take on the rest of the semester when it comes. More on that to follow.

"The arena is empty except for one man, driving and striving as fast as he can."

Can't Sleep...Something Will Eat Me.

I've been sick for two days now. And guess what-I can't sleep! The next few lines will be my attempt to just type until maybe I can just drift off. It'll sort of be stream of consciousness style, so if you don't like that, click on one of the blogs I read for something different...

I've rediscovered Flogging Molly. I honestly haven't listened to them since Amanda, though I kept all the stuff I got from her. I guess deep down I knew I liked them in a way that transcended her. Which is good, because I'm really enjoying this Flogging Molly station on Pandora I recently started listening to. Too bad I'm too dizzy to dance a jig...

I have a microcontrollers exam in approximately 13h20m from when I post this. I've been studying. I'll also have time after vectors to look at the assembly stuff more directly. I really have to do good in this class. It's something I can't retake. I mean, I physically can, but I'm already burnt as far as school goes, and I want to make a better go of it this time.

Alright, so Netflix is a beautiful thing. Without which, I would never have discovered such great television as The Sopranos, Heroes, or Weeds. All of which I would recommend, but if ye be havin' what we call "virgin ears," ye should probably be stayin' away. I especially like The Sopranos, but I think Weeds has ignited within me a forbidden love for Mary-Louise Parker. She has gorgeous eyes, and she sells weed (in the show)!

Pretty sure Kenya is out this year. What with Chapter Camp (which I've recently been told is more or less mandatory for me) so soon, and Urbana also happening, I feel like Kenya is A) the farthest reach, and B) the one happening with most frequently. I mean, The Global Project will happen next year, but Urbana won't, and if this is really going to be my first CC as President of my IV chapter, I really need to focus on those.

I want to learn to ride a motorcycle so bad. That's something that's just been building in me for some time now, and I really think it's something I want to try. I'm afraid of a lot. I want to not be afraid of this, and maybe something like this will help me conquer some other fears as well.

This last part likely won't be repeated on fb, because more people are likely to see it:

It's recently come to my attention that I may be being used to fulfill the attention/affection need of a girl. If you know me, you know who. I really don't have that much to go on, except the sudden change in behavior of said girl. I'm not going to make any assumptions until I talk to her, and I'm not going to talk to her unless I notice a pattern forming. But man, if that's true, I'll just be done. I don't even think I have the energy to be angry with her if that's the case. That'll just be it for me as far as relationships go, at least for a while. A long while. And believe me, I've already stopped looking for some time, but I just don't think I can deal with something like that.

I really hope it's not true.

It would be great for the affection/attention to come my way for once.

"If I ever leave this world alive, I'll come back down and sit beside your feet tonight"

Well, Fancy That

So, as anybody who I've talked to knows, I recently asked a girl out, and was rejected. She gave me the usual lines that I've heard tons of times before. One thing she said was that she still wanted to be friends. So far, that has proven true. Things have not gotten awkward, and if anything, we're at least as comfortable around each other as we were before.

Something happened this weekend, though. Not only was she very comfortable around me, she displayed behavior that seemed at the time to be flirting. We were at our spring conference with InterVarsity, and while most of the time was spent in intensive study, we had some free time during the evenings. During those times, she seemed to want to maintain physical contact. A lot. And she stole my hat on a couple of occasions. I only mention the latter because it has happened before, and it was flirting then.

Needless to say, I came away confused. I spent a lot of Sunday wondering about what went on, and gathering advice as to whether or not I should bring this to her attention. I've decided not to do so, at least until I can gather more info and decide if this is going to be a pattern.

But after a while of wondering and pondering, I realized (with the help of the advice/wisdom of a friend) that I still have quite a bit of self-dislike (I really don't think it's as bad as calling it self-hatred) to work through. Who knew? Anyway, I'm currently trying to find ways to like myself again. Or something. We'll see how this goes.

"I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend"

Let me wax emo for just a moment...

Ok, I know I haven't posted in a while, but this isn't going to be a regular post where I just ponder, or relate life experience. I'm going to shamelessly use the following paragraphs to vent in such a manner as to be called 'emotive.' If you don't like that, nobody's going to make you read it, and hopefully I'll get to [somewhat] regular posts soon, and they won't be like this.

I was rejected again. flat-out told she wasn't interested. What's sad about it is, I actually made it to a first date before she said no, although, she probably wouldn't consider it such. Anyway, that's really not such a big deal. She's been really great about not being weird yet, in that she actually initiated a conversation with me after the fact. She seems to legitimately want to remain friends, and for that I can be thankful. I know the end result the last time a girl was sincere about remaining friends was most definitely a good one.

But what really depresses/confuses/pisses me off is that I just can't catch a damn break. I feel like I'm always the guy who likes the girl, and it's going to end hopelessly with her not interested, or interested in someone else, or whatever. While there may be no merit to it, your self-esteem is not helped when you are rejected by every girl you've ever asked out except for the half-crazy lesbian.

I know that's not where I'm supposed to derive my self-esteem, and honestly, it's not. But it's the one area in my life that I've been unsuccessful at every single time. Everything else I've ever done, I've seen through to completion, save college, which is still a work in progress. The only thing I've failed at every time is having some sort of romantic relationship.

Anyway, there's really nothing more to say. I'm not going to go cut my wrists and write a poem. That's narcissistic bullshit. In a couple of days, I'll have moved on, and I'll be fine. I just needed an out. I hope the next post will bear happier tidings.

"Pepperoni and green peppers, mushrooms, olives, chives"